Rebirth; an origin

I have no supernatural ability. I’m not even sure if such things exist. I am instead, an ordinary person. An average Joe, just like you, your parents, your siblings or friends. Just like every one of these everyday people I have a breaking point. Most things in life actually, organic or synthetic, have breaking points. There is simply only so much stress one thing can take before it snaps. Following this logic, I believe that I have snapped. Not today, not yesterday but some time ago. I had reached the point where I could not endure any more and I broke. Not physically mind you; physically I am the same as I used to be, give or take a few slight changes. Looking at me now you would never guess what lay beneath. Never realize the type of person I have become.

No, my change took on a much more psychological form. It was my psyche that snapped. The majority of my mental framework collapsed and reformed. Was destroyed and reorganized. For what is not the broken object but a new form of its previous self? Indeed I reference the previous self because the new self cannot exist without it. Thus I have not forgotten my old form, but I know I can never go back to the way I used to be. Too much has changed.

This brings me to what exactly the change has been. I think now though, that you cannot fully understand my change unless you know the previous me. Hence, a description:

As I said before, I was just like you. An everyday citizen of my beloved country – Trinidad and Tobago. Where I am from exactly is inconsequential in light of my experiences. I was a law-abiding university graduate. One whom most would describe as good natured, friendly and humourous. An all around morally ‘good’ person. I had friends, a family, loved ones. A job, hobbies, a love of feteing and hot girls. The typical trini twenty-something if you will. Not much different to my friends and all the other similar people out there. That was me: a basically average young adult.

Now that you have the overview of my former self you may begin to grasp the extent to which I have changed.

And what exactly has this change been? What is this new form I have taken? To answer these questions simply; I have become a killer.

Murderer, executioner, assassin.. all ring true when describing the new me. Indeed,. I have killed and I will kill again. I have taken lives and will take more. It is not just the ability to commit murder that is new in me though, but also the complete psychological framework that accompanies this ability. I feel no remorse nor regret for what I have done. I do not stay awake at night hearing the screams of my victims.(I am actually quite a heavy sleeper at times and I do enjoy the hours spent snuggled in my sheets). It is quite in my new nature to be able to slit someone’s throat, feel their life drain out of their once throbbing jugular vein and then go party in Zen. On a Friday preferably. I like the mix of music better.

Yes, I do walk amongst you. Unnoticed but for my good looks and charm. Never being suspected of what I really can do. It is all just as well though, for the majority of you have nothing to fear from me. This comes as a result of what broke me in the first place. The catalyst for my departure from everything I was.

Crime itself.

Cliché? Any Trini would or should not think so. We are all quite aware of the state of our country these days and the rising crime rate.

What crime was it that broke me? Ironically it was a murder. A robbery turned into murder to be exact.

She was a total stranger to me but that night her death began my transformation. You read about crime every day in the papers, never really becoming much affected by the stories. You have gotten so used to the criminal element in our society that you have desensitized yourselves. I too was guilty of the same yet that night, the stories became my reality as I held her limp body in my arms, my body covered in her blood. She was stabbed repeatedly by a man who met resistance when he tried to take her bag.. This was someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s girlfriend I later discovered. She was more than a name in black print to me. She was the shattering of everything I had known before and held true.

That night was my proverbial last straw. I had been frustrated and incensed at the crime rate just as so many of my fellow countrymen and women were. I had spoken out against the crime and criminals and tried to think of intelligent ways to end the stranglehold on the population that these people have and yet I had made no impact on the situation. I had prayed and hoped for a change and nothing came. That night the wait ended. My frustration and anger combined and mutated into something so calm and yet so full of vengeance. This is what I feel today. This is what I am; a broken man reborn.

As such, I do not kill for fun or for the thrill. I do not kill because I am bored or idle and it is the only thing that fills a hole deeper than my soul. And yes I do believe in souls. I kill simply because no one else will. I kill because nothing anyone does can make the impact that I do now. I kill to protect my society from those worse than I because the justice system has failed time and time again to do so. I kill, you could say, out of love for my righteous fellow man. Out of love for my country. For my people who have no voice against the criminal element.

I have often day dreamed of a superhero coming to save T&T from this crime wave. These murders, kidnappings, rapes, molestations.. the list goes on. I used to wish so hard for the comics I have read occasionally to be true yet I knew the truth. Fiction is fiction, fact is fact. Those books are fiction, I am fact. I do not liken myself in any way to a superhero mind you. I do not see myself as some masked crusader out for justice. Well perhaps the justice part may be a little true. I see myself as someone who met their breaking point and found the ability to do what others cannot and will not do. Take matters into their own hands, as we can no longer rely on a police force or legal system to do so for us. Not with the widespread corruption that goes on every day. And so here I am. Me. The killer.

For obvious reasons I shall keep this blog anonymous but it’s still amazing how you can never take the killer label away once you have it. You can renounce your religious faith, even change your skin colour but once you’ve killed someone there’s no going back. Thus I am a murderer. It does not matter who I have killed, the fact is I have. And I know I will kill again. I have only begun to make my impact on society. As I said before though, I am more than okay with this label. It suits me fine as it is only I who knows the truth. And well, so do you now.

Why do I make this blog then? I think it will increase and strengthen the impact I will eventually have. It will reinforce and bolster my actions as my brethren and sistren will know someone is finally doing something for them. For us. Still, I must continue to wear my cloak of anonymity because I am not naïve – there are those who will readily expose me and I cannot let that happen. Not for myself and not for my country. In the shadows of reality and the obscurity of the internet I will remain, doing the job no one else can. I am street justice, I am judge, jury and executioner. I am the new me.